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by Chris Kuriata

Hey kids! Did you know you can make a ghost appear by baking a pizza? It’s true. Our easy recipe makes a mouth watering pizza AND summons the spirit of a departed soul! Serves 4.

You will need: 2 cup of flour, 1/4 tsp yeast, tomato sauce, cheese, pepperoni, olive oil, 1 photograph of a deceased person.

1) Roll your dough. Try and get it the size of a record album. If you don’t like round pizza you can make a square. Or if you are feeling creative, why not make a star shape?

2) Lay your photograph (prepare it first by dipping it into a puddle with at least two drowned bugs. Get the picture soggy enough to wrap around your fingers like raw dough) in the center of the greased cooking sheet. It must be a photo of someone who has died. You can use your grandfather, or an uncle you never see anymore. Check your parent’s photo album. If there are no dead family members you can use a picture from the newspaper or a magazine. Just make sure the person is old enough (from before your parents were born) to ensure they are now dead. Do not use a picture of someone famous (the president, a movie star) because someone has likely used them already. Do not use a pet who has gone to doggy or kitty-cat heaven.

3) Place your dough over the photograph. Now comes the fun part; it’s time to decorate your pizza! Using the back of a spoon, spread tomato sauce over the dough (leaving the edges clean for the crust). Then sprinkle your cheese. Use the pepperoni to make a sad face. If you are feeling creative, you can use slices of pepper to make eyebrows and a beard. Just make sure the mouth is good and upside down. Do not use any garlic or onions as they are curative (Maybe ask your parents what that word means).

4) Before you are finished, use your leftover supplies to make a smaller pizza. Just the size of a cookie. You’re going to need this later on. (If you have a twin brother or sister, you must not do this recipe.)

5) You will need your mom’s permission to use the stove, so wait until she is out of the house. If mommy works during the day, you can fake sick to stay home from school by spitting up a mouthful of milk and toilet paper. It will look just like throw-up.

6) Turn the oven dial to 400. Wait for the inside of the oven to turn red for six minutes. You can time it by saying the Lord’s Prayer six times. Place your sad-faced pizza (don’t forget the little one!) into the oven until the crust crinkles and turns brown.

7) The tray will be very hot! You must be careful removing it from the oven. If your mommy doesn’t have an oven mitt use a tea towel. If you burn your finger on the tray you must put the pizza into a dark place (the basement, a closet) and wait an hour. If a blister forms on your finger you must prick it with a needle and squeeze the water out. Not doing this will have apocalyptic consequences (maybe don’t ask your parents what that word means).

8) Place your sad-faced pizza (don’t forget the little one!) under your bed before going to sleep. If you share your room with a brother or sister, do not let them disturb the pizza! Anyone beside you who touches the pizza will for the rest of their life be sad in a way that can never be diagnosed or treated. (If you are left handed, you must not do this recipe unless you can favour the right.)

9) That night, you may be awakened by the smell of something in your room. Do not open your eyes! Remain immobile and pretend to be asleep. No matter how hot or cold it gets under the covers, you cannot get up and go to your parent’s big safe bed. Not even when you feel something’s breath blowing across your cheek and whispering lies into ear. To keep from crying, think of how exciting tomorrow will be when the ghost comes!

10) Don’t tell anyone at school about your project. If you do they may laugh and call you stupid. If you argue with them, other kids will join their side and you cannot win. You might try to feel better by telling yourself they will grow up to be unhappy and poor, while you’ll be experienced and idolized, but that probably isn’t true.

11) When you come home, the sad-faced pizza will be gone from under your bed. Don’t worry. We promise mommy didn’t suck it up with the vacuum cleaner! The little pizza will still be there. Pick it up and keep it in your pocket (you’re going to need it later on).

12) The night the pizza disappears, go to a place where bodies are buried. Don’t worry, you don’t have to go to a cemetery. People have been dying for a long time, longer than your grandparents have been alive, longer than the name of your town. Before there were cemeteries, the dead were buried where ever their family could dig. If the basement of your house has a dirt floor, it is guaranteed there are people buried there. (If your name is Sally, you must not do this recipe.)

13) Wait until everyone in the house is asleep. To keep yourself awake, practice saying the Lord’s Prayer backwards. It’s trickier than you’d think, but with perseverance you will master it.

14) Once you are the only person awake, go down to the basement and find the dirt floor. There may be carpeting, but you can peel it back and place your toes into the earth. Touch yourself in the private place between your legs. It works better if you have a private place you can touch the inside of. Put your fingers in your mouth, sucking your taste onto your tongue. Swish your cheeks to get a good gob of saliva and spit it onto the dirt.

That’s all you have to do!

The time for the ghost to appear is between one and three hours. Don’t think the recipe didn’t work, have patience.

Few things to remember:
When your ghost appears, they will be confused and talk only in gibbers and squeaks. You can catch their attention by singing (a Christmas carol, your favourite TV show theme) or flashing something silver where their eyes should be.

Many ghosts grant wishes. When they opens their arms, their embrace will take you to a different family, one that lives where the weather is always sunny and no one ever gets sick or bleeds or feels bad. So be friendly. Don’t worry about your old family missing you, the ghosts has placed a special dust on all the mirror in the house, and whoever looks into them will forget you were ever alive.

Very rarely, the ghost will be malevolent and grab hold of you and bite your skin with their ice cube teeth. If this happens you must eat the little pizza (this is when you need it). You must eat the little pizza fast. If your brother or sister or parents are awakened, there will be no way to save them. The ghost will try to eat more of the pizza than you and in their chomping frenzy your fingers, lips and tongue will get bitten very badly. You must gobble the little pizza, lick up every crumb. The ghost will try to eat even the bits stuck between your teeth. No matter how hard you are bleeding, eat as fast as you can. Remember, this will be your only chance to send the angry ghost away.

Draw a picture of your ghost and send it to us at: Shipman Publications, 190 Queenston Street, Suite 104, Shipman ON. The best three drawings will be published in an upcoming issue: 1st place junior reporter will receive $3, 2nd place $2, 3rd place $1.

 

My name is Chris Kuriata, a writer from St. Catharines, Ontario. I collect abandoned photographs, inscribed books and am currently at work on a documentary about the secret history of St. Catharines.